Posts

sharing this because i learnt it hard way

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1) Detachment is the only way to live a more       emotionally fulfilled life away from all the anxiety  2) What is yours, will always make its way to you whether it's a person or an opportunity  3) Accept people for who they are, their nature and everything. Don't try to change someone. And same goes for you, don't change yourself for anyone. If any of your habits retards your personal growth, or the growth of your close relationships, it's good to look at them and try to build healthy habits. 4) There are 7 billion people in this world,  so when someone rejects you or proves that s/he can't reciprocate those efforts and feelings you have, it's a blessing. Firstly respect that the person didn't use your feelings against you and secondly you are now open to wider possibilities.  You can now move on and meet new people. 5) Don't fall in love with someone's potential to be a great partner to you. Because it is all in your head because in reality how th

fomo

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I'll be singing this evening  All lines are busy Ain't no waiting for anyone You'll have me when i’ll be gone All clouded memories Smiling at us from afar There's no loneliness in my room It's been quite over an hour or two I've been a great companion We laughed, We talked  But noone answers I talk i talk i talk to myself The whistle blows The tea is ready i guess I tell again you must believe me I'm not missing at life When they say, “There's loneliness in your room” I say it's solitude tonight  To have someone by my side We are talking about life No big parties, no clubbing No alcohol, no smoking Isn't it kinda boring here? They are questioning  They say, i am missing at life Fomo is a real thing I am not quite sure again What is it that outside this room I have watched the sunset I have cooked myself a meal You come over here in my balcony We will gaze at stars Giggle at our jokes, Watching the moon bathing in clouds I'll tell you about my

i think of you Ashaz as a man i will never meet

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I think, there's so much stillness and romance in nights when your nervous system is calm, and you are no longer afraid of losing someone. Ashaz that's what i was telling you that evening when we met coincidentally or maybe all planned near that flower shop in the local market near your home. I feel the world is yours, and in this world some people belong to you so no matter where we drift apart, we are all going to come back to each other. Ashaz has always been a type of guy i admired. I admired him not for how good looking he was when he was formally dressed up in his black suit, or how tall he looked when he stood by my side during a picture session, or how profound his iris looked when sunlight touched them. I actually admired him for the first time for how wise he was with his words. He was the man i would go to talk  about my life. In my eyes he was a human version of all the most greatest philosophical books of all the time. He knew life more than me and everytime he tal

letter to Ashaz ( II )

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Ashaz, some places never grow old. I was walking down the lanes today where we walked together once five years back. Everything is same here, the streets are still cracked in the same places where they were before. Now flowers grow through these cracks as bandages to it. Nothing has diminished its light, nothing has taken away our presence. We are there in the air of these places, as you have always been in me for years. In these places, our memories have been preserved in the hope that we'll cross paths again some day. I think old places grieve over us, I think letters burnt in rage screams at us for leaving each other. But i think that's how it is now that when it rains, we look up and admire each other, i think that's how it is now that no matter where we are, we look behind at each other fondly. I think that's how we realize that the world never stops when two people separates and so we must also keep going on. Ashaz the world has always been like this. It makes us

i wanted to be someone's poem

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I think i have written enough for everyone i loved, i embraced pain bravely and so somedays i was so proud of that, i even overenjoyed my racing heart and the butterflies in my belly.  I wrote, i scrapped, i burnt every word in love, grief, and agony. Poets can create poetry, poets can deface them too. But there's no big poet than this heart, because it doesn't forget, it doesn't erode, it only creates poetry sometimes in love, sometimes in missing, sometimes in rage but all it does is to remember everyone more than my head. I want to be someone's poetry No, no  dont dedicate me one from books and letters of old lovers of 80's and 90's  Write me one Know about my skin, know about me, my name, my smile and the curves of my body, know how my eyes lit up in dark, know me when i overthink, know me when i ride my bike, know me when i play my playlist, know me when i lay bare in bed, know me when my eyes cry, know me when my pens can't write, know me when i only h

you

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There's this thing i seem to can't escape, i try my best, i do everything,  work hard, work harder but still stumble upon your name. There are people who left but their ghosts are still here around me talking to me in my head. Sometimes I want to run away, pack my bags, change my documents, passport, name, address, phone number and go to a new city where i won't speak the same language, where i won't hear your name, where your ghosts won't find me. How astonishing it would be to have a restart button in our head. I don't want to remember anyone. I don't know how but  everytime my head thinks, my heart aches.. Life every day here in my city is just ordinary without you.  You were that extra behind my ordinary life. Now that you're gone, the sun still shines, the ocean still sparkles, the stars still blinks,  the breeze still flows, the trees still grows , the flowers still blooms, the sky still rains, the earth still moves, the gravity still works, the mo

message to my younger self

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Shruti I feel you will never be this young again, but you can always be young at heart. Life is so short, every moment is fleeting by your side and i don't want you to grieve over your memories, rather i want you to live fully every single day, every moment at your best.  I want you to have fun, and not to be too much immersed in sadness. Everything passes by, and this phase will too regardless of how happy or sad this phase is.  Shruti i think life goes on and this is one of the biggest lessons of my life. We can't control life, or what happens to us. Sometimes things don't go as we wish, sometimes people we want the most leaves us in dark. But that is life, it happens, and nothing stops, the clock keeps on ticking, days turns into nights,  seasons changes, and life goes on. But take your time, heal, fight and stand again. I also want you to know it's okay to not run in the marathon of life. We can just walk sometimes. It's all okay!! The goal of life shouldn't

i want to feel safe, i only want to feel safe

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For these winters, i want my world to be painted in yellow color. Lighter and darker strokes of it everywhere around me. For these winters i want my heart to be safe, please just safe. I always believed that there's this canvas in everyones heart, painted with different colors depicting different stories. Mine has been pink, red, and blue lately. But I want my slate to be clean. I dont want any color on it anymore, i dont want any stains. I want it to feel just safe these winters. No more stories, no more vibrant colors, leave it just white, let it be innocent again. It has witnessed enough of this world. Let it be naive once again to trust people. let it be plain, let the colors be white please, i want to feel safe, i only want to feel safe. Yellow has been my favorite color. It's warm, it calms my heart, it makes me feel safe, it is bright, it is peaceful, it is that feeling of being at home, it is like a friend to me. I can stare at it for long hours and fall asleep in its p

how is it december already?

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And i know i wanted this year to end so desperately but now as the end is so near, i am not ready. My body is stained in love, war, pain, hate and grief. I have so much to hold onto, i have so much to let go of. I'm shivering, i am dressed so warm! December feels like a cold goodbye,  doomsday, judgment, justice, betrayal, grief, separation, long distance, longings, past and memories that i only want to forget.  I see December like him standing on the door, all prepared, bags packed, ready to leave me behind. There's this thing about December, it was always ready to leave, but it never seemed to ask me even once if i am ready yet to let it go or not.  December resembles to him, my sweet early youth romance that ended in a blink of eye, December reminds me of eating cotton candy, that  melts so fast, December reminds me of transition, forgiveness and moving on. It's December and in next 2 hours, it will be Christmas. I will bake cookies, i will make hot chocolate, i will dan

romance recipe

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I like the smell of boiled potatoes i said Weird as it feels to you but the truth is I don't like coffee and wine tastes a little too overwhelming to me He likes pineapples in his pizza He makes tacos for the dinner He skips breakfast  And leans on sofa I hate pineapples in pizza I make full course meal in dinner I never skip my breakfast  And sofa is quite uncomfortable to lean on I lean on a shoulder  Blueberry jam on his table Peanut butter is all i hate Roasted corns with sprinkled red pepper Spicy is my thing  Well he has sweet tooth Wish dentist could help him replace them We accidentally met i guess Or my kitchen would be on fire if  i had let you in I think weird as it seems Our menu won't match ever We would fight over a leaf of spinach  Our recipes will never exchange  We will have two kitchen in one home Different ingredients in one fridge How tough it would be to manage  What do you mean by a sofa cum bed The living space is already too less!  But something somethin

so the next time i meet someone

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So the next time i meet someone  I hope i meet someone kind Who knows the language of gentleness  Touch of empathy Heart of compassion Crumbled hearts on the floor She walks in to hold me close I thought the world is an apathetic place With cruel hearts wallking in every lane who would not spare a moment to hurt me again but you proved me wrong There are days when i lose my trust  in human connections but  there's someone who comes all the way in  to make me believe in humanity again Kindness flows in this world  with so much ease I have witnessed strangers rooting for me I have felt energies so pure and safe There's a home for me in every corner of this world, in every person who hugs me close and only wishes good for me There is a world for sure where people like me are looking for people like these There still so much of love here where i am sometimes in people, places and in us So the next time i meet someone  I want someone who stays this time Someone who doesn't leave

4:40 AM

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Sometimes the people we feel ours are not ours, sometimes the place you feel the most beautiful is not the most beautiful, sometimes the scars that feels too deep are only shallow, sometimes a place that feels like home is only a house, sometimes the colour you find your favorite is not your favorite anymore, sometimes the name you loved calling is no longer the name you would want to hear again, sometimes the song that took your breath away is just another option to play, sometimes the books you read repeatedly are the books you haven't touched since ages.  Life makes us different with time, you will not recall yourself if you look at your old version and that sight might trigger you in itself when you realize you don't enjoy the things you once did and thought would never get over it. But unfortunately, fortunately that's life! We all have outgrown things, people, places, memories, hobbies, interests, and feelings. Who's fault is this? Perhaps noone's.  I quoted a

tarot cards, fate and us

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Will we end up together? Shuffle shuffle Shuffle (×2) 10 of swords, 8 of swords, 5 of pentacles  Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle (×4) 4 of cups, 3 of swords, 5 of wands Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle (×8) The lovers, the heirophant, the world  Does he love me? Cards spread Pick one 7 of swords  Pick again Judgement  Pick again King of wands I always felt  To know the future  Is a blessing  But now I feel it's a curse too To know we won't last together  But to still love you  a little more than before every next day Wishing fate will change,  our paths will coincide  And then someday when  i will draw cards like 8 of cups, 3 of swords, I won't believe in them To validate our love  That day I won't lose sleep over cards That day, I'll be free  I'll be free I'll be free And i'll love us freely  Without any fear Without any limitation  Without any doubt Without any future  Until then  I think i'm not ready I'm not ready for your love  Because i'm too fearful of

growing up, adulthood

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Wherever i am right now, it's so peaceful here. My head is in a calm place and i can really feel my breaths. When i sleep, i no longer count on sheeps, i fall in my bed, and i open my eyes the next morning.  As you grow up, you get tired of drama.  Then, you just want genuine things, honest people and bright moments. As i grew up, i just wanted real people, people who would choose me again and again. I didn't want to get into a cat fight over a guy, i didn't want to lose my sleep over someone all night, i didn't want to argue over something where i just wished to be understood, i didn't want to seek validation, i didn't want to hide, i didn't want to complain, i didn't want to wait for someone who perhaps may never come back, i didn't want to beg someone to stay, i didn't want to write letters to someone i love because i was petrified of them using it against me, i didn't want to trust someone blindly, i didn't want to take confessions s

september

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Somedays i am scrolling through my feed and see your name, sometimes i am passing down the lanes and hear your name, some nights i am struggling with sleep and listening to songs in your playlist . This world is nothing more than the amalgamation of people of different kinds, different faces, different blood groups, but having similar names as yours.  My heart has always been a darkhole of feelings it couldn't confess and for long i have held onto words, emotions and feelings until it started to feel like a loop around my neck. I feel to be able to speak how you feel is still an art, and only some writers have got this. The rest like me are all sobbing in a corner of this world writing down these pages that we'll never accept it to be more than a mere fiction if ever get caught.  The world is a playground my love, with numerous small segregations stated as different countries and these countries have further divisions into cities and in between all these partitions, we are just

oak tree and liles were missing you yesterday

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The oak tree has grown taller and healthier. Don't worry, i water your lilies everyday, they are blossoming well! I'm always filled with your thoughts at weird instances of my life. Like while cooking in the morning, while going to work at afternoon and watching your favourite buncakes being sold in street side bakery in the downtown alley and also while tuning the radio at night.  Yesterday, i thought, i saw someone resembling to you and since that moment, i am wondering if you are really nearby, if you are in this city too. I went to the sea shore last night, played with waves, and made a small castle for us. I did all of it while waiting for you there. But before you, the sun came and i woke up! It's another day without you here. All the emails i wrote are still unread. Feels like you really forgot your password.  The sun is shining brightly just like your smile and autumns will be near soon. While roasting sweet potatoes in the backyard on leaves, i'm thinking of y

last ballad of my heart, adieu!

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If i could pour down my heart for the last time for you on these blank sheets, i would paint it all red. Red because my heart was so much in love with you, my love was so much in pain and my pain was so much in anger .  If forgetting you was the first wave to ever hit me, i would never go to the oceans, i would always remember you.  Last ballad of my heart to you, My heart sings, " if it hurts you to remember us for how we ended, think like we never met, if your heart yearns for me and your head doesn't want it to come back to me, sleep, sleep, we'll meet in dreams, if you miss me when i am no longer in this world and it's too late, write it down everything you wished to say to me, i'll come and read through it, if i am no more in this world and you wish to see me, watch the sky all along the seasons, somedays i'll crying through rain wanting to touch you for the last time through the raindrops falling on your face, to somedays i'll be rooting for you with

childhood, aging and माँ

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I am watching Yashub ( 5 years old kid ) playing in the yard all by himself, i am watching his childhood slipping into days. I see myself in him, all my childhood days are now just barely the recollected memories of my early youth. It's all gone in the mist air. In summers, when i hear the tintinnabulation of wind chimes and voice of ice cream vendors selling ice cream, i get lured by those days that are already gone. I think of maa, how we would split peas sitting in the shed of the Mulberry tree in our backyard. I wonder about those days that have lost it's calmness in the honking of today's vehicles and era of instant messages. Back in those days, human connections really mattered to us and were also so strong. Now we have internet and so many people on our fingertips, we have lost human connections or perhaps made too many that not even one is strong. Back in those days, i had someone who would ask me if i had eaten or not, i long for her. Yesterday i was reading Scrhro

untitled

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World is a huge place I lost my way  yesterday while coming back home I met a stranger He asked me directions  I asked him the same  Maybe i am tired, looking at this same old city I hate sun  I love rain And it makes me sadly happy Maybe i am looking for a new home But my heart is in turmoils Crackers burning inside  The sky of my heart  must be looking pretty tonight I meet so many strangers lately Wish i can make them all my friends  But i fumble saying hi What is the difference between an acquaintance and a friend  I'm a little aloof these days  I am looking for a friend  The ones i have got have grown old and distant, they dont call me back  God, I am looking for a house, if not a home yet Someone said, my writings dont make sense Well, he is my closest friend  Now, i feel he is right It doesn't make sense like my feelings for him Love is beautiful  Love is pretty  Love is like dancing in rain Love is like giddy rolling  in the pit of my tummy  But everyone secretly accept

letter to Ashaz

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To Ashaz, Ashaz, it is heavily raining here and i feel like you have visited this city. Rain has always reminded me of you. This city is haunting me  because it's too peaceful without you. Ashaz you told me that your name means, " one in million " and now it upsets me since you've gone because i feel i can't ever find someone like you because there's noone like you.  I was passing by this flowershop yesterday and it reminded me of you. You have left the city but left behind the reminders to keep reminding me of you. Ashaz your name is the sweetest melody ever my voice has sung. Before your name, i have always hated my voice.  Ashaz, i told you, i'm leaving this city tomorrow but it feels like i'll be carrying you with me. This life is so short, when we were together, time slipped by us and now that we are far, i don't know what to do, time is still slipping by and looks like my life will be over soon and perhaps i won't be able to see you for t

theory of flux

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I'm strolling around this city but it no longer feels like home since the day you are gone. We are in July, and it's heavily raining here. If you remember, you would know how much i adored rain, but now i have excuses to not go out in rain. I sit in cafes, take shelter in a bookstore, and buy umbrella when it is raining. I've realised something, it's that how feelings changes, and gradually everything changes. Your favorite bakery has been shut down, and the lanes have got contricted due to construction of buildings on both the sides of the lane. But the ice cream store at the subway station is still there. I had my last creampie there last evening. I'll shift to another city in a few days, i have packed my bags. Yesterday night, i was near your home and my heart wasn't in turmoils. I feel like it has forgiven you for all you did to it. I think life is all about love and forgiveness because we are all always breaking something, we are all always hurting someone.

do you believe in past lives

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Do you believe in past lives? Like i have met him over and over again in all the lives i have lived and survived Like his fingers have brushed against mine everytime he passed by me Like our names have been changed, Like perhaps his sur name became mine, mine became his but still we have always been the same people writing love ballads in different places Like he has known me in all the lifetimes Like i have seen him before Like he knows me well and i know him too from the way my name slips over his tongue He calls me and the voice echos in my heart                                                         — soulmate There something that i failed to put in words, maybe a thread or a bamboo rope that ties me to you. No matter how farther you go, you come to me, i come to you in all the lifetimes. Like the first snow Like the first rain Like the early springs Like the late autumns  Like ending winters  Like beginning summers  You will leave again this time too And i'll wait for you to

void

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Sometimes this whole world falls into deep screeches of silence, that i can't even hear the honking of vehicles. In all such moment, i can only hear the loudness of my thumping heart in this city. Tick,tick, tick The only sound  that accompanies me at nights But sometimes i ignore it with songs There's something in my heart That makes it heavy with time Physically it's not there,  but still it's here Just this energy that  never leaves me behind I carry it everywhere i go From candy stores to restrooms, Its always there in me                                                 — void  That feeling when i have this whole damn world around me and this huge sky above my head, but still it's not enough, there's somethings lacking here and i'll never know what's that. I'm here at the subway station watching trains come and go. 

childhood

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There's a playground in my head, we are playing there and we are just six again.  Even when i was young I wasn't in hurry to grow up But somedays i wanted to escape school So i wished to be older soon I have backspaced a lot, i think this is also the thing we acquire as we grow up, we think too much before we can speak.  In my head, I am running in lush green fields, i have no future, i have got no past there. I am free, my heart is no longer in pain and my back is not burdened with responsibilities. When i was small and there used to be complete blackout at my home, i used to ask my dad again and again, when light will come back. He used to say, light has taken rickshaw and now it is coming, coming, coming, slowly, slowly, just here, now, just going to arrive in 1, 2 and, and, and 3.  Back in those days, i really believed it. Back in those days, magic was real to me. 

taking over your habits

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I'm taking over your habits Since the day you've left  Like cigarettes left untouched in my trousers  Like sleeping with three pillows, with one on my face Like sketching naked bodies Like screaming my lungs out when a random song plays Like clicking on youtube ads and reporting them unnecessarily  Weirdly i am doing it all Weirdly i am not even aware of that How are you?  How am i? If you only ask, then i'll say, its blue, its blue here, and little grey too as the smoke doesn't leave my room, probably because i forgot to open the windows before i lit my cigarette I'm ordering food from swiggy at midnight, i am still awake and it's 3. Life is unstable, but i am fine.  Chucked my old car keys Swallowed chunks of bread with milk Wore the tshirt you gave me Listened to the playlist we made Forgot to tie my shoe laces I fell hard on ground  Weird falling patterns  Resembling to yours Diaries all inked Friendship bands in bin Promises rotting in a corner Days passing

moving on

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It's over not means its the end, but rather completion, our story is complete now. I'm letting go of us and someday we will turn back to see how beautifully we are still carved in all our yesterdays, in all of our pasts. Y ou'll be my soothing memory on a tough day.                — goodbye  There are some things not meant for you, stop holding onto them so tightly, let them go back from where they came. Let everything be at peace. Dont force anything.  I'll let us go now. Somedays i am hearing us on the audios Somedays i am passing by our lanes Somedays i am hearing your name being called by a random stranger Somedays i am watching our pictures Somedays i am hating over us Somedays i am forgiving us  Somedays i am hoping that you'll call Somedays i am done with all of this nonsense with my luggage all packed, i'm ready to leave Somedays i am texting you hi, only to save it in drafts Somedays i am wondering why still your chapter is my favorite  Somedays i am as

who am i to you?

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You asked me, " who am i to you ? "  i asked myself for days, weeks, and months  who are you to me? You are a forgotten song's name with broken lyrics that i remember, you are that letter in my draft because i never knew how to end it, you are all those 206 voice recordings in my phone that makes my storage full but i still don't delete, you are that weird me because i feel we are similar, you are that lane that still welcomes me warmly despite of being strangers, you are that benchmate who doesn't talk much but still passes a smile back to me, you are that excitement of knowing classes have been canceled, you are that random thought of why we met and that one question to wonder, how life would have been if we hadn't met each other, you are my longings on a night when i dial your phone number but don't call, you are that one percent probability in my head that assures me of bumping into you on a subway station, you are my dearest friend because i care for

i want to say all this (100)

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1) i hope you never have to lose your closest people. 2) i hope you never take someone you love for granted because that is when two people fall apart. 3) i hope you never have to part ways with your childhood best friend because there should be someone in everyone's life who will remind them of their school days. 4) i hope you never have to feel hesitation in talking to someone with whom you once spent hours talking to. 5)  i hope you always hold yourself accountable for the words you use for someone. 6) i hope you know the secret behind long lasting beautiful friendships is a simple sorry and lot of understanding. 7) i hope you always choose your words wisely. 8) i hope you dont contribute to the hatred of this world. 9) i hope you know that people who end up crying while explaining themselves have hit their lowest, please be gentle to them. 10) i hope you know there is a difference between sympathy and empathy. I hope you choose the second one over the first. 11) i hope you know