Coaches jump head first out of school windows after UIL alignments released

Coaches jump head first out of school windows after UIL alignments released

Following the recent realignment announced by the University Scholastic League (UIL), high school coaches across Texas have been seen taking drastic measures to cope with their new district assignments. Reports have flooded in of coaches leaping out of windows headfirst, lining up at alcohol stores, and filing for divorce upon seeing their updated competition for the 2024-2025 season.

The UIL realignment, an event eagerly anticipated and feared in equal measure by coaches statewide, has traditionally been a source of anxiety. However, this year's adjustments seem to have pushed many to their breaking point.

One coach, who wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, was found sprawled in the fetal position on the grass outside his office window. In a daze, he muttered, "Have you seen our new district? They have players named Laser, Blazer and Taser, and we're the hapless misfit toys."

Another coach, who inadvertently took the plunge from the first floor, quipped, "Guess I forgot we're not in a skyscraper. But can you blame me? Have you seen the lineup? I'd rather wrestle a grizzly bear naked than try to take on Duncanville."

Yet another coach, visibly shaken, revealed, "I spent hours in line at the liquor store trying to cope with the news. It was either that or resigning myself to a season of existential dread every Friday night."

As coaches grapple with the reality of their new districts, questions arise about the fairness and sanity of the realignment process. Some have called for reform, while others have resigned themselves to a fate that seems more suited to a dystopian sports novel than a Texas high school football season.