Who “WAS” Russell Brand?

Katy Room Comedy Writer...

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Sep 20, 2023

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Jokes about the “libertine” Russell Brand…

Remember When Russel Brand was cool? He never was cool, just another British jerk.

Russell Brand: Ready to Roast!

The Early Years

1. Why did Russell Brand get kicked out of MTV? Because even MTV had standards in the early 2000s!
2. Russell was so wild on MTV, even “Jackass” called for an intervention.
3. If Russell’s early years were a movie, it’d be rated “Oh My God, Why?”
4. The man changed hairstyles more often than Britney Spears in the early 2000s.
5. You know you’re reckless when Ozzy Osbourne says, “Mate, slow down!”
6. Russell in the early years was like a firework; bright, loud, and a potential safety hazard.
7. They say we all have skeletons in our closet; Russell had a whole graveyard!
8. Even his mirror was like, “Nope, I can’t reflect this.”
9. Russell was so edgy, even his shadow needed counseling.

On Drugs

1. Russell Brand was so open about his drug use, he probably thought “crack” was a career skill he could list on LinkedIn.
2. Even Snoop Dogg would say, “Dude, maybe chill?”
3. You could play Bingo with the list of substances he’s tried.
4. His drug phase was like a chemical buffet, and he was all-you-can-ingest.
5. Drug stores looked at him and thought, “Not that kind of drug.”
6. The DEA considered him a walking evidence locker.
7. “Just say no”? Russell thought it was “Just say more.”
8. His favorite game? High-stakes poker, where “high” is the main objective.
9. He’s the only guy who thought a 12-step program was a new dance move.

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Fashion Sense

Russell Brand: Reprobate Jerk!

1. Russell’s fashion was so gothic; he made Dracula look like a suburban dad.
2. If Tim Burton needed fashion advice, he’d call Russell.
3. His closet looked like a Halloween store during a clearance sale.
4. He wore more leather than a dominatrix convention.
5. Russell Brand, the man who thought eyeliner was a grocery staple.
6. Even Johnny Depp was like, “That’s a bit much, mate.”
7. He dressed like a pirate, but the only thing he was stealing was attention.
8. His clothes screamed, “I raided Elton John’s closet but made it depressing.”
9. He was single-handedly keeping the skinny jean industry afloat.

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Big Brother

1. Russell was so loud on Big Brother’s Big Mouth; the contestants couldn’t even pretend to sleep.
2. If volume was currency, he’d be Jeff Bezos.
3. Even the cameras tried to mute themselves.
4. He made Simon Cowell seem like a therapist.
5. When he hosted, the Big Brother house was less of a home, more of a megaphone.
6. You know you’re loud when you’re drowning out reality TV drama.
7. He was the human version of a clickbait article — impossible to ignore.
8. Big Brother had to hire sign language interpreters for the hearing impaired viewers he created.
9. The show was never the same; it developed Russell-induced PTSD.

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Political Rants

1. Russell’s political rants are so confusing; even he needs a Brand-to-English dictionary.
2. His political theories are like IKEA furniture: confusing, unnecessary, and hard to put together.
3. The man changes political views faster than he changes accents.
4. He’s so far left, he’s making a circle.
5. He tried to read Marx but thought it was a guidebook for stand-up comedy.
6. Russell’s manifesto would be called “Fifty Shades of Grey Area.”
7. He’s so anti-establishment, he won’t even establish a coherent argument.
8. If you listen to his rants backwards, they make just as much sense.
9. Even Wikipedia gave up trying to categorize his political affiliations.
10. If Brand gets any more politically active, he might just try to pass a law making skinny jeans a human right.
11. He’s so politically active, he thinks signing petitions is a cardio workout.
12. Russell’s political rants could fill a library — if they made sense.
13. He’s so political, he tried to register his cat to vote.
14. If activism had a sound, Russell would be a broken trumpet.
15. He’s the only person who could make political rallies less appealing than they already are.
16. His speeches are like Sudoku puzzles: intriguing but ultimately pointless.
17. He’s so political, he once tried to debate a parking meter.
18. Russell’s so politically active, he’s in protest mode even during yoga.

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Marrying Katy Perry

1. Russell Brand and Katy Perry were so incompatible; they were like a vegan and a steakhouse on a blind date.
2. They were like fire and water; both can be hot but don’t mix well.
3. Their marriage was so brief; it had a Snapchat filter.
4. Russell was looking for a Teenage Dream; Katy was living a Nightmare.
5. It’s like Bonnie and Clyde, if Bonnie wrote pop songs and Clyde was into Eastern philosophy.
6. Divorce papers or concert tickets, Russell couldn’t tell the difference.
7. Russell said, “I do,” but he really meant, “I don’t, but let’s see how this goes.”
8. The wedding cake lasted longer than the marriage.
9. Even their wedding vows had a disclaimer.
10. Russell’s marriage to Katy Perry was so short, you could measure it in Snapchat stories.
11. Their marriage certificate had a built-in expiration date.
12. If their marriage was a movie, it would be a trailer.
13. He got out of marriage faster than he gets out of awkward interviews.
14. Their marriage was like a bungee jump — thrilling at first, then a sudden drop.
15. The vows included, “Till trending topics do us part.”
16. Russell’s marriage was so short, even Speedy Gonzales said, “Hey, take your time!”
17. He’s had longer conversations with Siri than his marriage with Katy.
18. If Russell’s marriage was a song, it’d be a one-hit wonder.

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On Sachsgate

1. Russell Brand was so scandalous; he could turn a dial-tone into a headline.
2. He’s the only man who could make a scandal out of a radio show that nobody was listening to.
3. Russell on the air was like a bull in a china shop — if the bull had a British accent.
4. The BBC was like, “We’ve had worse. Oh, wait, no we haven’t.”
5. Even the Royal Family was like, “Wow, that’s a bit much.”
6. Sachsgate? More like “Sacks-get your stuff and go, Russell.”
7. It was the Watergate of British comedy, minus the political importance.
8. He became an expert at turning an apology into another scandal.
9. Even the censors were like, “We’re going to need a bigger ‘bleep’.”

Movie Career

1. Russell’s Hollywood movies are so forgettable; even he probably hasn’t watched them.
2. His filmography is like a guide to what not to watch on a first date.
3. Russell in a movie is like tofu in a burger — you can do it, but should you?
4. “Get Him to The Greek” was actually an SOS from the casting directors.
5. If his movies were any more flat, they’d be a part of the scenery.
6. Brand’s roles are like Waldo: rarely there and hard to find.
7. He’s so versatile — he can play the same character in 10 different movies!
8. When Russell gets a script, the script gets an existential crisis.
9. He’s the only actor whose bloopers are more cohesive than the actual film.

Conspiracy Theories

1. Russell’s YouTube videos are like “X-Files” episodes, only less believable and more British.
2. He believes in conspiracy theories like a cat believes in knocking things off tables: fervently and without reason.
3. His channel is like the Bermuda Triangle — enter, and you may never return to reason.
4. Russell Brand on YouTube is like giving a monkey a typewriter: entertaining but nonsensical.
5. He’s got more theories than a flat-Earther at a geometry conference.
6. Russell’s theories are so out there, they’re like his hair — untamed and unpredictable.
7. He makes Alex Jones look like a Wikipedia citation.
8. His conspiracy videos come with their own tin-foil hat.
9. When Russell starts talking, even Area 51 says, “We can’t confirm or deny that.”

On Wellness

1. Russell Brand as a wellness guru is like having a raccoon as your personal hygiene coach.
2. Russell doing Yoga is like a bull doing ballet.
3. If he’s a wellness guru, I’m a ninja astronaut.
4. His meditation sessions are so intense, you’ll need therapy after.
5. The wellness industry saw him coming and said, “Namaste away.”
6. He’s so into mindfulness, he forgets to be mindful.
7. His wellness tips are so out there, they’re practically in another galaxy.
8. Russell’s idea of detox is a week without publicity.
9. His wellness routine is sponsored by Confusion™.

Failed Radio Shows

1. Russell’s radio shows have a shorter lifespan than a goldfish with a caffeine addiction.
2. His shows are like fireworks: a brief moment of “wow,” followed by darkness and a lingering smell.
3. You know you’ve hit rock bottom when even the static gets better ratings.
4. Brand on the radio is like Brand on Twitter: It won’t end well.
5. If his radio career were a movie, it would go straight to DVD.
6. Even the radio waves were begging for mercy.
7. His broadcasts were so disastrous, they’re now used in training for crisis management.
8. Russell Brand on the radio is like a skunk at a garden party.
9. Each episode came with a free set of earplugs.

The British Export

1. America embraced Russell Brand like Britain embraced American tea — intrigued at first, then quickly realizing what a mess it could be.
2. Russell coming to America was like a reverse Paul Revere: “The British are coming, and we’re not sure how to feel!”
3. He’s the reason America reconsidered the whole “freedom of speech” thing.
4. When Russell landed in the U.S., even the Statue of Liberty put her torch down.
5. Russell in America is like a soccer game at a football stadium — out of place and confusing.
6. If he was any more British, Americans would need subtitles.
7. When he moved here, even the British pound started to sink.
8. He’s so British, even his humor needs a visa.
9. Russell in America is like a fox in a henhouse: Fun for a minute, then feathers everywhere.

Russell the Influencer

1. Russell’s so influential online; he’s like the Joe Rogan of British conspiracy theories.
2. He has more followers than common sense.
3. Russell is so influential, he convinced himself he’s a political expert.
4. When Russell tweets, Twitter’s servers have a meeting to discuss early retirement.
5. His posts have more drama than a Shakespearean tragedy.
6. He’s so influential, even his horoscope warned us.
7. His tweets are like a Pandora’s box — once you open them, there’s no going back.
8. If Russell was any more of an influencer, we’d have to invent a new word for it.
9. He’s the only influencer who can make yoga pants controversial.

The Booky Wooks

1. Russell’s books are like his career — full of ups and downs and more plot twists than a M. Night Shyamalan movie.
2. His books are the literary equivalent of a roller coaster — thrilling, nauseating, and you can’t wait for it to end.
3. If Russell’s books were any more convoluted, they’d be a Rubik’s Cube.
4. Reading his books is like playing a game of “find the logic.”
5. He’s got more words than Oxford has definitions.
6. His book editor deserves a medal, a vacation, and a therapist.
7. Even the bookmarks tried to escape.
8. The only thing harder than reading his books is explaining them.
9. They’re like his stand-up routine — full of awkward pauses and unfinished thoughts.